Down to my last Egg
Written by joythebaker on July 6, 2008 – 5:17 pm -
What do you do when you’re down to your last egg? Either cry about it or make Chocolate Pudding with Almond Whipped Cream. In my case, I did both.
I know this is only a food blog, but I’m sure you all won’t mind if I get something off my chest. I’m sad. I’m puffy eyed, in my pajamas all day, looking out the window at the beautiful weekend passing me by- sad.
It’s relationship trouble. My Mom called it “matters of the heart” which kinda put a smile on my face because she made relationship drama sound so old fashioned. Moms are good for that.
So, while I understand that this is totally out of place for my humble food blog, I hope you won’t mind me over sharing and asking for advice. Maybe you can help.
How do you do it? How do you keep a relationship alive and well? Tell me your love story because I think I need to hear it. Is it hard? Is it perfect? Is it completely neurotic?
I’m here asking for dime store advice. How do you make it work? In return, I have pudding to offer. It’s a lovely recipe. Now tell me what you think about love.
And on top of all the love woes, I was down to my last egg. I could have gone to the grocery store, of course… but some things just seem impossible when you’ve got the blues.
So here’s what to do when you’re down to your last egg, and you need some chocolate comfort in a cup. It’s perfect.
Chocolate Pudding with Almond Whipped Cream
adapted from Gourmet Magazine
1/4 cup sugar
1/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder (not Dutch process)
2 Tablespoons cornstarch
pinch of salt
2 cups whole milk
1 large egg
4 ounces good semi sweet chocolate, finely chopped
Whisk together sugar, cocoa powder, cornstarch and salt in a 2-quart heavy saucepan, then gradually whisk in the milk. Bring to a boil, whisking constantly, and boil, whisking, until pudding is thick, 3 to 5 minutes. Remove from heat.
Immediately beat eggs lightly in a medium heat proof bowl, then very gradually add hot pudding to the egg, whisking constantly. Whisk in chopped chocolate until smooth.
Pour pudding into ramekins or custard cups and cover surface each with wax paper to prevent a skin from forming. Refrigerate, covered, until cool, at least 2 hours.
Almond Whipped Cream
3/4 cup heavy whipping cream
3 Tablespoons powdered sugar
2 drops almond extract
Put heavy cream in the bowl of an electric mixer. Mix on medium speed for about 3 minutes. Slowly add the powdered sugar and almond extract. Beat cream until it stiffens and turns to whipped cream. Dollop on chocolate pudding
Tags: almond, Chocolate, comfort, homemade pudding, pudding, whipped cream
Posted in Recipes, Snacks, Thoughts | 61 Comments »
Re: relationships — Do you want explosive and dramatic for 10 or 20 or more years? Or when (if) there are little feet pitter-pattering around?
I tend to prefer friendship and sincere kindness, because when bad stuff happens in life, friendship and kindness are what you need to help you get through . . . whether the bad stuff is in your relationship or whether it’s in other parts of your life. I’ve been with my hubby for 18 years now and we went thru something really tough in our relationship a couple months ago — I really do not think our relationship would have survived if we hadn’t had so many years of friendship and sincere kindness “in the bank”, so to speak. In spite of the bad, the friendship and sincere kindness remained and the relationship is healing because of it.
So, that’s my two pennies =).
I’m not a pudding person, but your photos are very enticing!!
Awww. So sorry…about “matters of the heart” AND the egg. Both situations are never good, especially at the same time. While I am not the one to call on for relationship advice, I can tell you that you will always have a friend in CHOCOLATE! I hope your Monday is better than your Sunday.
Ev
First, your pudding looks beautiful. I’ve never made homemade pudding before. I think I will make your recipe my first attempt. Second, I’m sorry you’re stuck in pajama mode! Totally sucks. I bake when I’m having relationship issues too. The first six months of my current relationship, my coworkers ate very well. He and I have been together almost three years now and he still makes me bake sometimes, so I’m not really one to be giving advice, just to empathize. I know relationships are a lot of work, but for as good as the good times might be, there’s still a point where those aren’t worth our ability to want to change out of pajamas every day.
Ah, Love. It’s a fabulous thing when things are going well, and alot of work (and stress) to make it right when it’s not. But very worth all the work (assuming both sides are working at making things right – heartbreaking otherwise). I married my best friend 15 years ago. We’re both introverts and we don’t fight alot, but when we do it’s hard to work through. Still in love and we had a very stressful last couple of years (life, jobs, family deaths, etc). I think a big part of it is we choose to love each other, not just rely on feelings.
Not sure quite how to read what you said – could be taken a few different ways. I hope what I said helps.
My mantra is “highest and best.” All you can do is open your hands and ask that the highest and best manifest itself for you and your partner. That may mean together or it may be apart, but to do this you need to be willing to hear/see the answer. Highest and best.
Oh, dearest JoyTheBaker, I’m so sorry to hear of your love woes. I don’t know you, and you don’t know me, but I’m coming out of lurkdom to thank you for your inspiring blog.
My two cents? As a newlywed of four years, my money’s on gentle kindness over intense drama. When I started dating my now-husband, I quickly realized he was a very predictable, stable kind of guy. Boring, I feared. I came home one night after a date and said to my roommate, “He’s such a vanilla man. Do I want a vanilla man?” Susan, in her wisdom replied, “You sure as hell don’t want a rocky road.”
And everyone said the first year of marriage would be difficult, a big adjustment. My wonderful, stable, predictable, dependable, vanilla man and I wonder why they all said that. Life outside of our relationship was nuts (my mother up and left my father, my sister was diagnosed with a chronic illness, my job sucked, his job sucked, his family moved across the country… and then we did, too), but the stability of our relationship was such a gift. Life is dramatic enough. I believe it’s worth it to go with an adoring, gentle life to call home.
And how do we keep love alive? We often ask each other, “How can I love you better?”. It’s a wonderful question to ask and be asked. Also, we work to be respectful of the other at all times. Anecdote: our first fight. We had been married a few weeks and I was convinced that I was doing the lion’s share of the chores. So I ranted and raved, cried and blathered on for a few minutes about my woes and underappreciated-ness. Expecting a yelling response (like I had seen growing up), I was shocked when my new husband took a breath, and then calmly said, “I do not appreciate being talked to like that. We will not be yelling like that at each other.” And we never have since. It’s awesome.
Talk, talk, talk. If the other person is unwilling to talk to you about the problems, they aren’t worth it.
If you’re not the talking kind of person, or your significant other isn’t, write it all down and exchange letters. If you don’t know what’s on the table, you’ll never know how it can be fixed.
My SO is my best friend and that’s the only way I can imagine getting through the relationship nonsense (and the in-laws).
Oh, and we play Guitar Hero together on a regular basis. Nothing like looking like a fool in front of each other to cement the love!
i’m sorry your having problems, the only thing i can say is that communicating is very important. my husband and i decide that no matter what happened around us and in the family, we wouldn’t let it affect our marriage. it hasn’t been easy sometimes but we’ve stuck to it. marriage is a commitment and if you want it to work you have to work at it. i know sounds like a full time job doesn’t it? sometimes you have to compromise and sometimes he has to know your not.
Sorry you’re feeling down in the dumps. OH my have I been there before. Married now for second time..it’s been 4 years and so much better than the first time. I’ll keep my advise brief. 5 things I’ve learned along the way. These should go both ways.
Compromise is not a bad thing..it’s part of a relationship. Not enough so that you lose yourself, but give and take is what it’s about. Pick your battles.
A good relationship shouldn’t be based on the high points, but on how things go during the low points.
If you know something bugs the one you love save it for when you’re alone!!
Unwarranted jealousy can kill a relationship quicker than anything.
Have confidence in yourself!!!! Don’t put yourself down!!!
Thanks for the pudding..the ultimate comfort food.
Hi there Joy,
You don’t know me, but I somehow found your blog and subscribe to your scrumptious updates. I appreciate the beautiful and inspiring photos and your passion for baking.
My Love story: I met my husband 8 years ago, at the young age of 19. From the start, I knew that he was one that I could be with forever. It was a thought that both awed and shocked my young mind. However, it took me 5 years of friendship, break ups, long distance writing, dating and communicating to realize that, yes, he was the one I wanted to be with.
We have now been married almost 3 years and in that time I have wondered what it was that finally “tipped the scale” to help me make the commitment to marry this patient man. It was when I realized that I trusted him more than anyone else on this planet. He is a rock, steady and sure. With him, I am on firm ground. I love him for that.
I don’t have much advice for you except this; find one in whom your heart trusts. That trust can be built and it can also be destroyed by our small acts.
One final comment. I have felt so much JOY today after going to church, serving in the children’s classes and seeing their willing and happy faces. I have felt so much joy in being with my husband and my two children (yes, TWO kids: one 17 months and one 2 months old!). There is so much joy possible in your future. And you deserve it, after all, your name is JOY, right?!
I wish the best for you.
Dear Joy the Baker,
Lauren has said it before, but I will happily repeat: Talk. Talk talk talk. This has worked extremely well for me during the last four and a half years – there have been really tough and hurtful (is this a word at all?) moments, sad and flooded with tears. But it always turned to the better side afterwards. Talking about whatever we feel – good and bad – has tightened this bond beyond what I could have hoped for.
I wish you all the best from Germany!
I’m sorry to hear about your relationship problems, but happy to have found a chocolate pudding recipe I didn’t even know I was lacking.
Good luck with everything.
I just started reading a few weeks ago, but food and love are the passion of my life.
I am 26 and this week I will celebrate 2 years of marriage with a man that I have known since I was 4 and have been in love with since 1998. Yes, I found the love of my life at 16, in high school. We went to college, survived his masters degree in TN and are now living in PA while he is working on his PhD. He is the love of my life. I have no idea why I found him when I was 16. But to me, when you find the person you love and you are meant to be with, there are rarely “matters of the heart” besides the love you feel for each other. My husband is my best friend and the one that I share everything with, good or bad. We, of course, find ourselves frustrated with each other at times, but rarely, if ever, fight. Nothing matters that much. We end every day with a hug, a couple of kisses and the most important words we can utter to each other – “I love you”
I think the most important thing we do for our love is put each other first. There is nothing more important to me than him, his happiness and our love.
So now that I am shedding a few tears, I think I need to make some chocolate pudding.
Oh Joy, relationship problems suck. But I personally think pudding helps. Here’s my two cents and love story…
I met my husband online 4 1/2 years ago. We hit it off right away and we were as inseperable as it is possible to be while living in separate states (don’t worry, at most only 4 hours away, but originally only 45 minutes.) So things went beautifully for almost 3 years, no fights, no problems, very happy. Then we got married. And I lost my job. And my in-laws turned into psycho beasts from hell. Well not all of them. So here I was living in a new state, in a small town, with no job. My life was completely upside down. And my loving husband had turned into his dad (who I like despite that he’s a chauvanist pig). Things were not good. Then one day, my sister-in-law told my husband that I wanted a divorce (big lie). Yes she’s a psycho beast from hell. We had a screaming yelling crying fight. And I left and drove around in my car for several hours. I could have used some pudding then I tell you.
I’ve learned some things since then. Crying and screaming is a powerful way to get your point across, but it’s most effective if you rarely use it. Most of the time, treating each other with respect works much better. And I’ve learned, with my husband, that on issues that we’ve come to an impass several times on and he’s sensitive about (his psycho beast family) that it’s often times better for me not to say anything and then he notices things on his own. Or if I mention things they’re like this “Honey, isn’t it hillarious that when we went to your sister’s house for Memorial Day that right after the men went golfing, your sisters went for a run, and your mom took the baby in the stroller for a walk? Within 5 minutes all the adults but me had left. It was like they had an escape plan! Ha Ha Ha Ha” This works far better than saying, “I can’t believe your sisters dropped 9 kids in my lap to babysit without asking again.” I think it works because this way I’m not attacking his family and forcing him to defend them to me. Or something like that.
Anyway, I’m babbling and I’m not sure how much usefull you’ll get out of it. But good luck. I’m rooting for you!
I’m so sorry to heat about your relationship. My husband and I were on the verge of breaking up when we did something called the Marriage Course which made us talk to each other and realise that we were very different people and how our families and backgrounds shaped our expectations of our relationships. It is hard to do but the best thing you can do is talk to each other about how you feel loved and try putting yourself in the other person’s shoes. We went for an evening a week for 7 weeks and learnt to listen to each other as well as understanding what we needed to do to nurture each other. Good luck!
Dearest Joy, poor thing. You and I must have the same wavelength… Relationships aren’t always fluff and sparkles. If you’re not willing to work through it, then it’s not going to work at all. Talking is important. Honesty is important. Understanding is very important, and so is compromise. They can be unbearably difficult, but beautiful when everything falls into place. Every one is a little different. No one works the same way; there’s no manual. It’s just something you have to feel your way through, like walking barefoot in the dark. Sometimes you’ll stub your toes, but you can make it through with patience.
I usually stick to hard work when I’m having problems, or white chocolate creme brulee when things are just too much to deal with, but this pudding looks like something I may have to try out before the week’s out. Less trouble than creme brulee and as satisfying…
I hope things work out for you, dear.
Joy, I stumbled across your blog a while back and have been hooked ever since. You’ve enriched my life, both with your recipes, and the love and warmth that peppers your writing. I don’t know if I can do much for you in return, but here goes.
I met my husband when I was in college. He wasn’t interested in dating me, although I was totally smitten with him from the get-go. We were simply friends for a few years, slowly and casually getting to know each other better. And then at one point, he recognized that we got along terrifically, and had a lot in common, and we both brought out the best in each other. He didn’t “fall in love” with me in the Hollywood sense, but loving me was more of a choice he made. I know that seems unorthodox, or even unromantic, but he taught me something about love that has saved my marriage.
I learned that love is a choice. We see so many relationships and (sadly) marriages fall apart because people “just fall out of love.” Poppycock. Love isn’t like the flu, where you catch it whether you want to or not, and then one day it just goes away. It’s a choice that you make, because we’re human and we have the power to choose whether or not a relationship survives (but remember that IT TAKES TWO. Both people have to make that choice, or else there’s nothing in the world that can hold the relationship together).
That’s why some marriages last for decades, while others fail in the first few years. Sure, there are things that make it hard for me to love my husband. But when I married him, I made a promise that I would love him forever. I would never make a promise that was beyond my power to keep. And because of that, I choose to love him, no matter what. And he chooses to love me. That deep, abiding love comes from selfless service, kindness, patience, and forgiveness. That’s how we make it work through rough times.
So there’s my novel. I don’t know if that helps at all, but there it is. Good luck Joy!
I’m not usually one to give relationship advice, as I feel the only two people who really know a relationship are the ones in it, plus I have a longstanding policy against giving unsolicited advice. But, you did ask, so….
In my early to mid-twenties, I dated someone for a long, long time. I thought I would marry him. He was electric and exciting and adventurous, and I had many, many great times with him. But, for all those great times, there were also many times of tremendous stress and anxiety and worry. And I knew this was not something I wanted in the long term, but I was still in love with him, and didn’t know quite how to end it, and wasn’t sure I wanted to, just yet. But, before I knew it, 3.5 years had passed. It ended dramatically and suddenly and in an ugly manner, and as miserable as I was, I also knew, on a deeper level I was much better off.
And then I was single for a long time. I had time to reflect on the relationship, and what I wanted out of a marriage, and look at relationships of others in my life to see what worked and what didn’t work, what I’d be willing to put up with, and what I would not. I grew happy with myself and content with my life, two things I think you need before you can be happy with someone else. I dated and dated and kept true to myself, which I had not done before.
And then I met my now-fiance. He was so nice, a quality sorely lacking in anyone I had been with before. I always thought that if someone were so nice, that they had to be boring. But he wasn’t! Turns out those qualities are not, in fact, mutually exclusive. He was so much fun. It is possible for someone to be exciting and stable at the same time. He is kind and just a good person, but also wickedly funny and talented and intelligent and interesting (and cute!) He’s my best friend and I can’t wait to marry him in a few months.
This is not to say that it is all puppies and rainbows and sunshine. Being with someone else is just plain hard sometimes. But even when he’s making me nuts, I can’t imagine my life without him, and vice versa. Even when we’re upset, we treat each other with dignity and respect. The ups and downs with him are not the peaks and valleys I experienced in the past, more smooth cruising with the occasional speed bump. It takes both of us to make it work, both of us committed to the other and the life we share together. We know things are better with the other in our life, and we don’t want to find out the alternative. In the past, I was always the one willing and hoping and working and trying to hold the relationship together, but it can’t be one person doing the work.
I also finds it helps when I’m upset to try and step out of the situation and see him as a dispassionate observer, which reminds me of all the reasons I fell in love with him in the first place. I try to see him as others see him, and not through the lens of hurt or anger, and I realize, again, how lucky I am to share my life with him.
Also, ice cream always helps heal all mental wounds.
Joy,
Move on. Relationships are hard work, but I don’t believe they should knock you to your jammies. The work should be a slight uphill jog, not a rock climb and free fall. Someone else commented about a “vanilla guy”. Vanilla doesn’t have to be boring. As a baker you know the beauty that a touch of vanilla brings. You are a gorgeous, well-spoken, talented woman. Invest in yourself. I just gave the advice to my little sis…close your eyes, clear your brain, and listen to that little voice inside your head. You know what you want. If it’s to move on, then do it. Don’t mess around. Make a clean break. If you want to work things out. Tell your person. No games. Above all, be true to yourself.
Kind blessings to you,
Katie
It’s tough when your having relationship trouble. I usually bake people things to cheer them up.
If I could I would bake you something to make the world seem right until you could figure it all out. Just know, no man is ever worth any tear you shed. Be strong and independent.
Aww! Everyone has such nice advice and stories.
How to make it work… *sigh*… I couldn’t tell you, as most days I just feel really lucky and fortunate to have someone as wonderful as my boyfriend in my life. He and I started out as friends- we both had crushes on the other but were to shy to say anything, and too oblivious to notice. So when we did finally get together (4 months after we started hanging out), he already knew that I can be a total stress case, and that I’m blunt and honest and often say things that get me in trouble, and he was okay with my quirks. We almost never fight, and when we do it’s done almost as fast as it started- we say what we need to say, we’re honest and to the point, we don’t project and try to use “I” statements. We also never bring up old drama. Once it’s done, it’s done.
Actually, the most friction I feel in my relationship has to do with getting enough quality time together… We work opposite shifts- he leaves at 6am and gets home at 5pm, I leave at 2pm and get home around midnight. He has weekends off, and my days off are usually in the middle of the week. During patio season the restaurant is hellishly busy, and it’s not uncommon for us to go 3-4 days without actually seeing each other awake. And it sucks. But I like where I work and I love my job, so that situation isn’t going to change anytime soon. So we have to make sure that the time we do get to spend together is spent connecting. These days a lot of it is downtime, so we do watch a lot of movies while cuddling on the couch. We send a lot of text messages- it sounds silly, but I really like getting a message that says “xoxo” in the middle of my shift, because I know he’s thinking about me. It works for us.
The pudding looks delicious! Chocolate pudding is one of the few desserts my mom has in her repetoire, so it’s total comfort food for me.
Was wondering, could I sub arrowroot powder for the cornstarch??
Charity
Joy,
I really, really like your blog, and recommend it to everyone I know. For starters.
And because you asked: I don’t have any good advice for you at all, mostly because you don’t know me and I don’t know you. So I’ll just share my story: I am 30 years old, have been married for nine years, and have three living children. I’m a terrible wife, mostly because I’m one of those flighty people who gets angry, and when angry, blind. My husband patiently (usually patiently, sometimes not) waits out my explosive temper-tantrums and stalwartly (again, usually) takes each “I don’t know you anymore!” When I calm down–thankfully, anger never lasts forever–I am able to remember all that we have been through and created together, and then remember that love has nothing to do with how I feel, how my husband feels, how great the days go, how nice the nights are. It has to do with the fact that we chose one another nearly a decade ago and promised one another that we were in it ’til death. Love is a choice, and a choice that we must make every day for the rest of our lives. It isn’t something that happens, it’s something we do. Something we prove and work for; love is painfully hard work, but richly, fantastically, magnificently rewarding.
And, if you’ll patiently allow me to pontificate a bit, it’s something we’re taught to do by Christ. I forget all too often the lessons of the Church and act like a colossal jerk; thanks be to God the Church keeps feeding me anyway, strengthening me to do the work I’ve been given to do, to love.
That said, the painful work of love is made more unbearable when you love someone who cannot or will not love you in return. Love is best when it is a mutual choice, a mutual act of sacrifice and submission. There have been many, many times over the course of our marriage when one or the other of us forgets this important truth, and our marriage suffers for it. Then the Church reminds us of our jobs, and we fight it out, and we try harder and everything gets better for a time. It’s a constant, constant struggle.
God bless you, and may He turn your pain into love unto life everlasting.
Oh! I guess I wasn’t the only one feeling like a jammie day. I only have sad love stories but my two cents are that you can survive this and make it better.
Wow hon. I was going to try for some comforting words of wisdom, but Courtney and Katie beat me to it. I’m in a situation like Courtney, but my guy is trying to be understanding about the fact that I’m not ready for the ‘big’ step. And you should print out Katie’s words of wisdom. Be true to yourself indeed. As I’m probably older than most of these lovely bloggers, I can say with the wisdom of years, (oh God help me, am I REALLY this old!!!!) fall in love with yourself first. Not to the point of narcissism, but with your talents, your abilities, your gifts, and your life. How many people can say they’ve brought such happiness to others with the sharing you do? My daughter always moans about my ‘old sayings’, most of which I got from my dad. This too shall pass. And no one….NO ONE…has more power over you than you. Bake on love….and feel better.
Ah Sweetie- Been there! I lived with my boyfriend for 7 years he gave me a suprise wedding almost 2 years ago when I was about to have a double mastectomy. I am an only child used to being alone, he is the youngest of 6 needing constant attention. Sigh…Its not easy, it is certainly not what I thought it was going to be BUT it is wonderful. When I was first diagnosed I would wake up at night to hear him weep..we would hold hands in the dark. He does boyband dances to make me laugh. I know down to my tippy toes that he loves me although he has never given me flowers. He is my best friend and partner in crime. I thought a few times that I had found “the one” I’m glad I was wrong..
All my best- I always look forward to reading you!
Pam
Hi Joy – the pudding looks divine and I am so sorry you have the blues.
I’ve been married 18-1/2 years to the most wonderful man in the world. We have survived children (our youngest is 17), addiction, mental illness (mine and a child’s), infidelity and divorce – yup, we divorced for a year. Through everything, though, I have never lost my respect for him. He’s not perfect. He handles things very differently than I do and I frequently have to bite my tongue when he and our sons are going after it, but in everything I know his family is the most important thing in his life.
He and I have gone to great lengths to work on our relationship. We don’t hide things and we don’t lie to each other. We go through life, warts and all, and we deal. We play the hand we’re dealt and we do the best we can and if we fail, we fail together.
I give him his space and he gives me mine. We always know, though, that home is where the other one is.
You are a JOY to read. The wonderful thing about blogs is that you get to know a person and really care about how they are doing. You are a magnificent baker and a beautiful person. I can tell by the way you write that you are sincere and down to earth. You deserve someone who knows how wonderful you are. Someone you can completely trust and who notices the good more than the bad. I married my best friend 5 years ago and we are happy because we put our relationship first, which is hard with 2 kids. He makes me feel pretty when I am bonified ugly and skinny when I am 40 lbs heavier than when we got married. He ignores me when I’m petty and congratulates me when I don’t burn the water. It’s a realistic pedestal, but one I appreciate it. I hope this boy knows what a jewel you are and that the problems are not priorities. You deserve the best!
I wish I had the exact words to make you feel better and happy… but I don’t My story in a very short version is that I run away from Mexico from a very bad relationship and land in Nashville TN I was 24, after several years of dating and having my hart broken some more at 33 I found a wonderful man … online… ( I was so against trying the online thing)
I truly believe in my heart now, that things happen for a reason good and bad ones, and before my hubby it was very hard to believe that.
If your relationship is fixable it will get better and if not it is better to be sad for a little because better things will come along, they will make you stronger and smarter and even though sometimes the good ones take a while is well worth it the wait.
Loved your pudding my baby (Sofia) and I eat it all ourselves… yeap I am blaming the baby!
My boyfriend and I just recently went through a little bit of a rough patch. I talked to all my friends about it, and then finally, my mother. After a lot of discussion and even more thought, I was convinced into writing a letter to my boyfriend.
I poured my heart into this letter. I told him how much I love him, and how I want him in my life for every second I have. I told him how I felt – about him, about myself, about us together. I explained why I was writing to him, and my point of view on a few things that I thought needed some attention (how he doesn’t really talk to me, how sometimes I can’t feel his love for me and how it’s hard being the only one to say “I love you,” and how difficult I find it to be the person who ends up making so many decisions for us).
Last night, I gave it to him. He read it, and while he did, I stayed with him – I wanted to be there with him, in case he wanted to talk after. I gave him a few minutes after he finished, then went and sat with him. He told me he didn’t know I felt that way (about a lot of things), and that there were things he didn’t know how to talk to me about. I explained a few more things, and we reached a point where – I think – we understood each other. The rest of the night was good; we watched Semi-Pro curled up together and then he brought me home, where we talked in the dark on my front porch for a good 20 minutes.
I know we’re not perfect together – we’re certainly not perfect apart – but we have each other, and I think that we’re on our way to finding ways to communicate better with each other, to understanding each other, to knowing how to deal with each other. He’s my best friend and I love him, more than I ever knew I could love someone.
I’m not saying this works for everyone (writing things out, I mean), but maybe it’s the start of a way to try and resolve whatever is going on. Good luck.
P.S. – This is a great website, and I cannot wait to try my hand at this pudding, and at some of your other beautiful looking creations.
Hi Joy,
Here is what I have learned about love – I’ve been married for about 2 years now, and dated my man for 3 years before that. I’ve also had my fair share of failed relationships, and here is what I’ve learned:
1) You keep a relationship alive and well with open communication (talking AND listening), honesty, flexibility, and a fair bit of selflessness. You both (emphasis on the word “both”) have to be willing to do all of these things in order to get past the difficult stuff and grow together. It is so easy to talk and never listen, or for one person to always be the more flexible one (and then grow resentful about it over time).
2) There will be hard times during a relationship, but it should never be so hard that you are miserable most of the time. From my experience, a good relationship is one where you can deal with the hard times and move on, and you find that you’ve grown closer to the person as a result of going through the hard stuff. I feel like I love my husband more and more every day, and the hard times have ended up strengthening our relationship.
3) I feel like my relationship is perfect for me, but it is hardly “perfect.” Does that make sense?
4) At first my relationship was completely neurotic. I worried if he really loved me, and he worried that I wouldn’t give him enough space. I also worried that maybe this wasn’t the “real thing,” because this was not an insane, crazy, love – the kind that always gets touted in the movies. At one point he even said, “wow, this relationship is really healthy for me,” and I couldn’t help but think, what am I, a carrot? I want there to be passion, fireworks! But the thing was, this love was more like a slow burn – it grew and grew until it surpassed the “fireworks” level. It was deeper, more real. And we dealt with our initial neuroses by just talking about them and coming up with solutions if they were needed. We figured out pretty quickly that when we didn’t talk about them, they would just fester and then explode all over the place.
I hope some of this helps – take care.
This is great comfort food. I hope you’re feeling better.
I don’t have very much relationship experience, being that I married my first love…but it hasn’t always been easy…we’ve had our down times, especially last year when I lost my job and had to have surgery (we were dating at the time). This created a lot of stress, but I learned one thing in this situation: I found a man who loved me for who I was, sick (at the time) and quick to get stressed out. Even though he saw me in a hospital gown instead of a wedding gown, I knew he was the one I wanted to be with forever. What gets us by during the tough times? Honestly? Sometimes just taking a few moments to sit back and examine how minor the stressful/difficult situation is compared to your love for each other. Cheesy, but true
. What else? Laughter and a few simple prayers. Hope that helps. 
Looks like you had all great advice there! We are about to celebrate our 10 year anniversary next week. In a few words: communication, no expectations, alone time, together time, perseverance. Recognizing what truly matters and acknowledging that love is not something you can set aside when the mood strikes you. Never open your mouth is you are really upset because it will cause unnecessary pain. Ask for some time out. When we have a fight which is rare, we come to that point where we are so upset that we ruminate the same thing and when one tries to reason with the other, if the other is not ready to hear it because he/she is still fuming, the other must acknowledge that and let the other be ready.
I am sorry you had to go through this, I hope things are better today.
One egg and you make chocolate custard?! Genius! Now, that will cheer you up!
Matters of the heart are so difficult because every one of them is perplexing and divergent. Naturally, there are no instructions, and no one recipe to bring success, unlike your chocolate custard
In my experience, open communication, honesty, and most importantly, friendship. It’s just not enough to be a lover, there has to be a deeper basis for the relationship. There’s already been fabulous advice given to you, but there is ONE thing that I’ve always found to exponentially improve a relationship: Always having something to talk about.
It could be trivial or ground shaking, but having something to converse about with a partner can save a relationship (once again, in my opinion). The bonus of finding things to talk about are not only going to make discussion more lively, but creates an urge to go out, explore, and share. This prevents ruts, or a stale relationship
However, I can’t imagine you not having a topic at all times, but this was the first thing that came to my head!
Feel better, you have many people who care about you
Well, I don’t really have anything to share as I feel knee deep in man woes myself at the moment. Which is actually what brought me to this blog in the first place, as I’m in the mood for some kind of chocolate overload. There’s something comforting about the process of creating and then consuming the delicious end result just for my own sake.
Joy,
I have loved, loved, loved you blog and now, we’ll see what my two cents is worth.
Sheesh, relationship are tough- and when it rains it pours it seems…
First, to second what others have said- TALK TALK TALK- but also, listen twice as much as you talk. Even if nothing is being said. A lot can be said from no audible words at all.
Second- like many have said LOVE IS A CHOICE. You choose to love someone, through thick and thin, through everything you go through- its a choice. Sometimes a very concerted, concious one, and others one that comes easy with no need to think. But by any way, it is a choice.
Lastly- YOU teach people how to treat you. If you stand for something, it will continue to happen- whether positive or negative. When you embrace a behavior it continues.
Whatever you troubles may be at this point, its true, that it will pass. I’m not very old, but I do have a bit of experience as of late- over the past year we’ve been through nearly everything you could think of. Its been an insane ride- 3 surgeries(on me only, soon to be 4 next week), one affair, one carwreck, a birth of a baby, that baby in the NICU, a college graduation for him(including being on the deans list!), familial relationships from both heaven and hell, 3 hernias, weird diseases no one’s heard of- and currently, awaiting to see if an ovarian cyst is something to be worried about…thats only the tip of the iceberg! But, through everything there has always been something to be grateful for. Sometimes I have to look really hard, even gazing through tears while following a recipe, but, you can find it.
Eventually I got over his affair with another woman, in the mean time I recognized what a great dad he was, focused on that for 4 solid months, and now we are stronger and plus one child! (and of course he knows that if it happens again, he’ll for one be castrated, and two never see me or the kids again- you teach people how to treat you!)
He has seen me through nearly every health problem imaginable and definitely some mental breakdowns. At the end of the day, we laugh about it all and get up the next morning and carry on. And through it all, I’m so incredibly grateful for him that I could not imagine life without all the laughs, tears, scares, triumphs and day to day stuff.
Whatever your sorrows are now, rest easy; cause give it a month and it will seem like nothing! Good luck with whatever it may be and know you’ve got people hoping for the best for you!
Dear Joy, I was really sad to hear that you are going through this. First of all – I’m sending you a “feel-better” hug.
How to keep a relationship alive and well? Gee, I’m not sure if I’m the one to answer this, since Avi and me have been together for only 3.5 years, married for 8 months of them – it’s not the longest time.. But it’s enough to have experienced ups and downs sometimes. I think the most important thing is to never forget to always try and see things from the other side’s point of view, try to understand his feelings too, even if you’re as mad as can be. And never let things like pride even be an issue in a relationship – talk about everything, even if “you’re the one that’s right” don’t be afraid to initiate the make up talk. And yes, if you’re too mad to talk at the moment, take some time off until you cool down, and then talk. But never give up talking and trying to better the things that need improvement. It’s a constant work, sometimes it’s hard, but very rewarding, as I’m sure you know.
Big hug, really hope you feel better soon,
Miri.
Joy,
I wanted to let you know that reading your blog cheers me up and I’m very sorry that you’re going through a difficult time in your relationship. My advice to you is to give yourself time- don’t coup yourself up at home, focus on taking care of NUMERO UNO, whether it’s going out for a long walk, getting a manicure, a massage, taking a long drive, or spending time with a friend or family member. It’s all about you! Life is too short to be sad and blue for a long period of time. If it is meant to be, it will be. Good Luck, Joy
Hi Joy – Looks like you have lots of advice to pick thru, and I probably shouldn’t add on to your pile, but…
I think a key point in making a relationship work is simply remembering that you are on eachothers sides (that you want what’s best for the other person) coupled with trying to never take that person for granted. Myself and my fiancé refer to this as being “teammates,” and whenever I’m being naggy or he’s not necessarily putting my needs first we bring this up. It’s amazing how you can easily treat someone you love far worse than a perfect stranger (we do the same thing with family members, but that’s a WHOLE ‘nother story!). By bringing attention to things that you can easily let slip – like nagging
– you can squash a problem before it turns into something bigger – like resentment or even infidelity. Little things turn into big things. I am no expert and don’t have a million years of marriage to back me up, but this has really worked for me and feels like a very reasonable and mature way to handle a relationship.
On another note (I’ll shut up soon I promise), I don’t know you or your situation at all, but I think there comes a point when things just shouldn’t be THAT hard. Like, I don’t know about couples therapy if you’ve only been dating a few months kinda thing. If it’s hard at first it’s probably a good indication that it won’t get much better into your golden years. No relationship is perfect and happy all the time, but sometimes no amount of work is good enough (or worth it for that matter) and you just have to know that you will be better off moving on.
Good-luck!! Thanks for the puddin’ recipe! At least you are baking and being productive – when I’m upset it’s straight to the Ben and Jerry’s I go!
Advice from my mom:
A relationship should be 80% giving, 20% taking. Of course this always isn’t a constant. Sometimes you need to take a little more and sometimes you give a little more, but those should be stops along the 80/20 road.
A relationship is the hardest thing to maintain in life, especially a good one. Loving someone isn’t always enough. Respect, kindness, friendship and love must be present to make it through the long haul.
Above all you need to be happy and if the bad days are out numbering the good it’s time to reevaluate.
Your blog makes me happy. I never leave your site without a smile or inspired to make something that minute.
I hope all as well (or at least better).
Joy,
This was my first visit to your site, recommended by a friend. It seems like you have a lot of reading to do here, but I hope you’ll read just a little more.
I don’t have great advice. If I had great advice, I’d take it myself. But I have a cautionary tale, or an example or a mistake – however you’d like to look at it. I’ve been married for nearly three years. He’s a nice man. I’ve been in love with someone else for nearly 10. This guy is my other half. I married the safe, nice guy because I thought it was what I was supposed to do next. And my soulmate can be difficult. I was wrong.
I’ve learned you can’t make yourself love someone no matter how perfect your life together seems. I’ve learned it is indeed the small things that are the big things and if he doesn’t tell you you’re pretty when you dress up and when you’re covered in flour, then he’s not the one. I’ve learned that contrary to popular belief staying in a mediocre or bad relationship is easy and leaving is hard. I’ve learned that loving isn’t easy, it takes work, so if you see signs of laziness in yourself or your partner – it’s over. I also know that if you’re sad more than you’re happy, no amount of rationalization or cookies makes it better. And I know that the band Cowboy Mouth has some of the greatest relationship trouble songs ever. Please look into “How Do you tell someone”, “New Orleans”, and “Whatcha Gonna Do”. They’ll make you cry, but also make you dance a little.
I look forward to visiting your site regularly dear stranger.
Love…how to make it work…..I guess you really have to work at it, compromise is a big thing. My husband and I will be together 20 years and married 16 next month. I can hardly believe it. Yes we have had our ups and downs…more ups than downs but we always make it work. I was 16 when I met him. We were on and off then on again and the last time we vowed to make it work. 4 kids and 2 moves later we are the happiest we have ever been.
I am sorry that you are having relationship issues, but it does get easier. Compromise, sacrifice and love will get you through.
Your pudding looks amazing too!! I can’t wait to try it.
Google reader recommended I come visit, I really like your blog.
That pudding looks delicious.
As for the matters of the heart, without knowing specifics, it’s hard to say. But honest communication is key. It’s way better than bottling things up. “I” statements are good, they keep people from going on the defense. (defensiveness leads to arguments and unproductivity) Also, remember to take time for you. You can’t be with a person 24/7 and be fine. At least I can’t. I find that I get short and cranky if I don’t have enough time to myself. I hope that the matters of the heart resolve themselves soon.
Joy,
I am so sorry to hear you are hurting. Mr. Gigi Cakes (Joe) has a couple of sayings that somehow really seem to work for us. 1) there’s no “I” in team, he considers us a “team” so, we have to work together to find answers or comfort. 2) If we enter the house in a bad mood about things that are beyond our control we are to go outside. Then we take a couple of deep breaths or a walk and then come in and ask for help or advice.
The most important part of our relationship is that he is my friend. And for that I am grateful for that.
Joy if you need anything, I mean anything, even (”egg deliveries”) I live in Pasadena. Please don’t hesitate to ask. [gigicakes(at)gmail(dot)com]
I hate that you’re feeling blue but totally know how that feels (it isn’t good!) When I got married almost five years ago I thought it was a fairy tale coming true, and in a sense, I guess it was. The problem was that nobody ever talks about what happens after you say “I do” other than glorifying the “honeymoon period” and making you think it’s all flowers + candy + whispering sweet nothings to each other. In my case we had a little bit of that but given he had two young daughters from a previous marriage, we didn’t exactly have time for all the lovey dovey stuff. We had joint custody and have them every other week for a week at a time and I’ll be the first to admit it was hard…much harder than I’d bargained for. Instead of the first year being easy and gliding though on love, and love alone, it was the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. We had many rough patches but stuck through it together and we are so much stronger for it. We still have rough days (who doesn’t) but by knowing we’re in this together and that we’re a team, we’ve learned most things work themselves out. The best advice I can give is to be yourself and if someone doesn’t appreciate you for YOU than they’re the ones missing out. Don’t sacrifice yourself for anyone! And always remember to communicate – that, I’ve learned, is the key ingredient to a successful relationship. If communication suffers, inevitably the relationship will also suffer.
Things will get better but I know that sometimes it’s quite difficult to see the sun through the haze. We’re all pulling for you and sending you happy thoughts!
I’m so sorry that you’re feeling down. My husband and I have been married for over 2 years and together for a total of 7. For the first 5 years of our relationship (and until the time we were married) we dated long distance, at first 4 hours apart, and then 2. I relocated after we got married. Just about everyone I know says they have no idea how we did this, and I have no answers other than it wasn’t always easy, but it was never hard. Being apart forced us to communicate and talk more than we may have if we were together in person all the time. We quickly became best friends, and remain that way. We laugh together like giddy teenagers, we wrestle in the living room, we tickle each other, we’re our complete and total selves with each other. We rarely argue and I have to say that I feel so blessed as my husband is genuinely kind, caring, appreciative, and considerate. He makes me feel beautiful and loved. We put each other above anything else and work every day to make each other feel loved and special, even if it’s in the little things.
Joy the Kindhearted, Sweetly Sincere and Brilliant Baker-
Is it hard? Yes. Is it completely neurotic? Not completely. And is it perfect? Well, is anything perfect?
My relationship is hard, semi-neurotic and not perfect, but it’s everything that I want it to be. I’m the crazy one. My sweet SO is the level-headed, quiet, more serious half to my wishy-washy, indecisive, crazy half and it didn’t always work as well as it does today. It took me a long time to realize that just because he put up with my tantrums and spiels and bad temper didn’t mean that it was Right to act that way. It’s just his nature to deal with it quietly, and he loves me so much that he would just take it. And it would hurt him. And that would hurt us. He was spoiling me, and I was spoiling our friendship! It was a joint fault.
Of course I don’t know your situation, but I think this is a pretty universal truth: consider your nature, but also consider your partner’s nature. Communication is key.
Chin up and thanks for all of the yummies. You are a special lady.
I was craving chocolate pudding all weekend and then there it was on your blog. Serendipitous. It was absolutely delicious, but I see why you put the whipped cream on there. The chocolate is very rich. I do have a question for you, I seem to have gotten tiny pieces of cooked egg in the pudding…just little bits of the white part of the egg. Is there any trick to avoid these little chunks?
Rachel
p.s. In my next life, I am going to do what you do.
Oh dear, Joy. I’m sorry you are having relationship issues. Let me tell you this… I was married at a young age, divorced, and then found the love of my life a few years later and married him.
Now, when I say he is the love of my life, I mean… things aren’t hot and heavy all the time, we enjoy just being together, we have similar interests and although we don’t communicate perfectly, we attempt to talk
What I have discovered comparing the first and second marriages is that #1 was really, really hard. Our relationship was a lot of work. With my current husband, it is hard, but not constantly hard. We’ve been married for 9 years now and those 9 years have been ten times easier than the 2 I spent with hubby #1. So, if a relationship is too much work, constantly, I have to guess it isn’t the right relationship. Nick and I work on our marraige, but it isn’t constant.
Hope that helps. Thinking about you and hope your heartache ends soon. I know how painful that is.
Oh Joy, I’m sorry you hit a rough patch. I think most of the advice I’d give has already been said, but I will say that my relationship with my hubby has not always been sunshine and roses. I think you hit those points in your relationship that can either make or break you. You can either decide, this person is worth working through all this crap for or he isn’t. If both of you decide it’s worth it a lot can come of working through those problems and coming out on top in the end. Good Luck!
Aw, relationship drama IS old-fashioned, in that it’s been happening since time began. No relationship is all flowers, chocolates and perfect evenings. Ultimately, these rough patches are what make relationships better and stronger in the end.
To use another old-fashioned phrase: what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. It’s absolutely true.