Joy the Baker

I’d like to take this moment to request a platter of Black and White Cookies from the magic little elves that are currently in my kitchen doing the dishes, in my bedroom sorting laundry, and in my shower scrubbing the tiles.  Could you little elves please stop what you’re doing and make me some cookies?  Fresh baked.  With milk.  Please… that would be great. 

What?  The magic little elves have taken the night off!?  That’s some nerve.  Some nerve.  

Peanut Butter Bacon Cookies.  Because everything should have bacon in it.  Everything. 

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So….. what do you do when you forget to call your grandmother on her 80th birthday?  

Well… obviously you yell at your little sister who remembered to call your grandmother on her 80th birthday, and didn’t remind you to call your grandmother on her 80th birthday.  Some nerve.

See… forgetting to call your grandmother on her 80th birthday is just about as bad as kicking your dear and darling 80 year old grandmother in the shin.  It’s not cool.  There’s no going back.  You’re a real jerk if you don’t call your grandmother on her 80th birthday.  

Ok.  Here’s the deal universe.  I hope I live to be 80.  Please.  That would be great.  I think…. I hope. 

On May 25, 2061 Universe, I want you to break my phone.  See to it that no one calls to wish me a happy birthday.  I’ll remember why.  I’ll remember that I deserve it.  For real.  Yeeesh!

Also… biscotti.  I made some delicious biscotti.  This is me, sharing.  

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Hi.

I’ve noticed you around these parts a lot.  I made you some cookies.  I’m glad you’re here.  

Maybe we could sit down and you could shell out some advice.  I just have one question.  Gimme your gut.  What’s it thinkin’?  This might seem silly, but what else is new?  I really need your help with this.

Couch.  Should I buy a couch?

Just the thought of a real life couch in my little apartment gives me all sorts of unreasonable anxiety.  Yeesh.  I thought I would only buy a couch… a big fluffy couch… when I was an adult and I had my life aaaaaaaallllllll figured out.  Well… I’m pretty darn sure I’m an adult, and I’m pretty darn sure I’ll never actually have it all figured out…. so I might just need to buck up and buy the darn couch, right?  

Couch.  It’s just a couch.  Somehow… it seems like so much more.  What do you think?

I’ll trade you your thoughts for these ridiculously good cookies.  Deal?  Deal.

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I’m dusting this recipe off, shining it up and throwing it in your general direction.  It would just be a shame for these cookies to languish in the Joy the Baker archives when they absolutely must be included in your holiday baking.  

Let’s make a deal.  You jump in the kitchen and throw a batch of these together, and I’ll pop in the kitchen and crank out a few cranberry recipes.  It’s teamwork.  Delicious, delicious teamwork.  Let’s do it.

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There are things I allow myself to buy… things like new jeans, the occasional pair of fancypants shoes, milk, butter, frozen yogurt and a bottle of chocolate syrup.  Ok… to be honest, I allow myself to buy a lot of things.

There are things that I do not, under any circumstances, allow myself to buy:  Oreos.  Double Stuff Oreos.  Yes, it may sound silly, but I am not allowed to buy Oreos.  It’s  a rule.  In my brain.  That makes it real.

Why the silly strict Oreo rule?  About ten years back, when I was the all-knowing eighteen year old that brazenly moved out of my parents’ house and across the country, I realized that I had to find a way to feed myself.  Not a problem.  Just go to the grocery store, right?  Suuure.  I took myself to the grocery store and bought every single bit of junk food that my parents’ had (wisely) withheld from me for eighteen years.  Chesee puffs, orange soda, fruit roll-ups and Oreos… sooo many Oreos.  It turns out, a girl can live on Oreos alone…. for about a week… and then comes an epic Oreo hangover that is not to be forgotten.  

So.  Fine.  No more Oreos.  

No more store bought Oreos.  Homemade Oreos with a touch of peppermint?  That’s ok, right?  Totally ok!  Are you in?  Heeeeck yes!  It’s December.  Let’s milk this chocolate and peppermint thing while we have the chance. 

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In my kitchen this past week I’ve managed to burn my Thanksgiving brussels sprouts, make a bum batch of chocolate brownies, crack my favorite coffee mug and somehow spill a half bottle of red wine under…UNDER my refrigerator.  Additionally, since my kitchen seems to be a vortex of ill fate, I’ve refused to do the dishes.  It wasn’t a pretty sight, friends.  I was just about due for an intervention.  

I was just about ready to throw a stick of dynamite into my kitchen and hope for the best.  Instead I opted for one last shot… mostly because sticks of dynamite like the ones they have in cartoons are hard to find… maybe I’m just looking in the wrong places… whatever the case,  I preheated the oven, kept my head down, and… success!  Sweet, dense, chocolate and peanut butter success.  

This dark kitchen cloud seems to have passed, and I’ve managed to get all of my dishes in the dishwasher…. things are looking up and tasting pretty darn good too. 

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Have I introduced you to my little sister Lauren? 

Lauren… this is everyone.  

Everyone… this is Lauren.  

Lauren and I grew up in the kitchen together.  We made brownies, we burnt cookies, we frosted crooked cakes, and we could plow through a box of Peanut Butter Captain Crunch in 10 minutes flat.  We were always in the kitchen either creating or consuming.  True.  

Things aren’t all that different for me and Lauren these days.  We spend a lot of time baking up treats, talking about Paula Dean, and arguing about which awkward teenage phase was worse:  my Blossom Hat Phase or her Sweatpants and Vest Wearing Phase.  Just typing those out… they each seem like equal tragedies.  Thank heavens we’ve moved past that.  

I’m introducing you to my sister because these two things are true:

1.  If Lauren were not in the world, I would surely be unable to breathe… that’s how much I love this girl. 

2.  I shoved my camera in Lauren’s hands last week, told her to bake something and take pictures of it.  In her unending brilliance, she returned to me a camera full of pictures (including the self portrait below) and six of these cookies.  Holy heck!  A food blogger could get used to this kind of treatment.  For real.  

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If this blog were written by 13 year old me instead of 28 year old me… I can safely say that I would blog about these White Chocolate Macadamia Nut Cookies every. single. day.

One bite of these cookies and… oh heavens!  I feel like I’m being dropped off at the mall to meet my friends on a hot summer day.  We speak Gibberish and Pig Latin.  We are fluent enough in both made up languages to combine the two into one mega made-up language.  It’s pretty sick. 

One bite of these cookie and I have tragically frizzly triangle hair and my twenty dollar allowance in my pocket.  My friends are trying to convince me to see Jurassic Park and all I want to do is sit on a bench with a bag of White Chocolate Macadamia Nut Cookies from Mrs Field’s and try to muster up the courage to go talk to the cute cashier at Sbarro Pizza.  

One bite of these cookie and, yes… I’m wearing overalls.  Yes.. I only have one strap buckled.  Yes… one hanging strap on overalls is super cool.  

Who knew one bite of a cookie could be so transforming…. and awkward.  It’s a good thing I don’t make these very often.  

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Sometimes I have imaginary phone conversations.  Ok… this happens a lot.  They go a little something like this:

Hello..?  Yes, hi.  I’d like to speak with the person in charge of making up all these clever food holidays like today’s Bacon Day.  Oh, that’s you?  Excellent.  I have a few additional food holidays I thought you might like to add to your calender.

How about a pizza and beer holiday every Friday of the month.  I mean… it’d just be really great if my calender could justify my food choices.  No?  You know, you don’t have to decide so quickly.  Maybe think it over a bit.   Still no?  Ok… lemme run another idea by you.

Can we make everyday at 3:30 in the afternoon National-Go-Ahead-And-Eat-A-Brownie Moment?  What?  That’s too specific?  I see.  You might reconsider this one… the people are really calling for it.

No?

Ok…. I’ll just stick to Bacon Day.  Thanks for that one.

I gotta run.  I have to tell all my friends about these Peanut Butter Bacon Cookies I just made!  Laaaater!

Interested in other ways to celebrate bacon!?

How about Brown Sugar Bacon Waffles or BLT’s with Homemade Mayonnaise!?

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Let’s play a game called What’s on Your Nightstand?.  What?  Too personal?  Oooh come on!  We’re all friends here.  Let’s try to figure out what our night stands say about the state of our lives.

On my night stand is:

1 Ikea lamp.

A water color painting made by my aunt in the 80’s.

A cup of what once was hot lemon water with honey, now just a mass of lemon seeds at the bottom of a mug.

A glass bowl with a ring and a business card for a French bed and breakfast.

Two books:  Unaccustomed Earth and Seize the Day.

My credit card, and a small bowl with cookie crumbs in it… Lemon Rosemary Palmier cookie crumbs.

What might my night stand contents say about me?  I love a home furnishing bargain.  When I run out of tea I make do with lemons.  I can’t sleep in jewelry and I like to daydream about vacationing in the French countryside. I either read a book or go internet shopping before I fall asleep, and I eat cookies in bed.  All things considered, it seems like a pretty cushy and self indulgent life…. plus, cookies!

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Dear My Bank,

We’ve known each other for a long time.  You know how I deposit my humble paychecks every so often, how I rarely use the ATM, and how I hate to use my debit card at the gas station.  I know that you like to decorate with bullet-proof glass… guns, I get it… have pens that don’t always work, and always want me to sign up for your credit card.  As much as I hate to admit it, we sort of have a thing going.

Let’s be honest Bank.  We’re not friends.  We don’t even really like each other very much.  I know that you have rules.  You know… if you’re being honest with yourself, that I do my very best to follow your rules.  And I do… Bank…..! Unless, I suppose, I just forget to add one payment to my balance books, leading me to believe I have several hundred dollars in you, Bank… instead of less than zero.

Here’s my beef with you… Bank!  Jerky bank.  When you penalize me several times in a row for spending money that I thought I had, well… that doesn’t get me any closer to having the money that you’d like to take.  How on Earth did you determine that $33 was an acceptable overdraft charge?  Why are you allowed to take money that I don’t have?  You know what I think?  I think you’re taking advantage of my mistake.  You know me, Bank.  You know that I don’t like to spend money I don’t have… and when I do… accidentally… you use that as an opportunity to take advantage of me.

That’s reeeeeaal crappy.

Nobody likes you.  I’ve done the research.  It’s true.

Nobody will ever… not even once… make you cookies just because you’re nice.  Why?  Because you’re not nice.

Now you know.

Love,

Joy

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It’s August 3, 2009 and I refuse to believe a) that summer is almost over, and b) that we’re a handful of months away from 2010.  Turns out that whether I believe or refuse to believe these two things… they’re still true.  

It’s August 3, 2009 and I will openly admit that in the past few days I’ve been stress eating like a maniac over these picnic plans.  I’m not proud.  

It’s August 3, 2009 and tonight is the night I’m going to polish off the frozen dough balls in my freezer.  Again, not proud.

It’s August 3, 2009 and I’m thinking it’s going to be really awkward when Dr Martens come back into style and I bust out my original pair that I sported back in middle school.  Yes, I still have them.  Yes, they still fit.  

It’s August 3, 2009 and among the many other things I’m thankful for today, I’m also thankful for internet shoe shopping and these beautiful thumbprint cookies.  

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I love a good weekend project, especially when that project involves my fingers in loads of cookie dough.

I’ll admit that I may be waaaay behind the times on this trick.  It’s the sort of trick that super moms have on lock to make them look even more awesome than they already are.  Since I haven’t yet produced other people with my body, this trick is just now hitting my radar.

The idea is this:  one day… (say, maybe a lazy Saturday morning) whip up a couple batches of your favorite cookie dough.  Dollop that cookie dough onto a cookie sheet, all close like.  Throw the entire cookie sheet into the freezer.  Freeze the dough balls, then throw them into a zip lock bag and back into the freezer.  You know what that means?  All you have to do is flick on the oven and throw in a few dough balls anytime you want fresh baked cookies!  Dang this livin’ is easy!

This frozen dough ball situation is key and here’s why:

You and the family can have  fresh baked cookies any and every night.

Surprise guests?  No problem at all… you just happened to be whipping up a batch of fresh cookies.  Taaadaaa!

Bake ‘em directly from frozen…. do it!

Frozen dough balls in the middle of the night?  I won’t tell a soul.  Can I be honest?  I eat the dough balls more often than I actually bake the cookies.  In fact… be right back.  Dough ball for breakfast.

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Honey Roasted Plums with Fresh Thyme and Greek Yogurt

This weekend I want out!  Out of the kitchen and into a pool.  Out of these clothes and into a bathing suit.  Out of this computer and into a poolside book and cocktail situation.

I want you out too.  I don’t want you in the kitchen all weekend.  Don’t you think your time would be much better spent in sunglasses and a big floppy hat with your feet up by the pool!?  Good.  I’m glad we agree.

If you’re celebrating the 4th of July this weekend, be sure to say things like “Go America!” and watch colors explode in the sky if you can.  It’s fun.

If you’re not celebrating America’s independence… well heck… I think a weekend by the pool is still in order.  You just don’t have to scream things like “Go America!” unless you really want to.

Here are the recipes that will keep you out of all day kitchen adventures and magically keep your bellies satisfied.

Let us explore.

Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip Cookies

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You know what?  You deserve a break.  Seriously.  It’s Saturday.  Let’s take it easy.

I know… I know.  You have that whole list of things to do.  Sure, you need to get the car washed.  Yes, there’s that thing about going to the pet store, and getting a present for your mother-in-law’s church friend’s niece.  You’ve got a lot on your plate.  I know.  But… well what would happen, if for today, you kicked the list to the curb and kicked you feet up on the couch?

I’ll tell you what would happen.  The car would stay dirty, the pet store would miss you, and your mother-in-law’s church friend’s niece would have one less present at her party.  She’ll have enough presents.  Go on… take a break.

Now… if you’re anything like me, you have a list and you can’t stand not to start crossing tasks off.  Here’s my tip:  make a new list.  I’ll help.  On our new list are these things: go to the farmer’s market and buy the prettiest cherries you can get your hands on, treat yourself to frozen yogurt, call that friend you’ve been meaning to call, watch at least three hours of a Law and Order marathon, and have two glasses of wine with dinner… dinner out.

See?  Better list.  It’s the list you should be working on this Saturday.

Aaaaand, if you wanted to add the making of these sugar cookies to the list… forget about it.  These can go on your Sunday to-do list.  Yea.  Sunday.

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Number Five: Peanut Butter Fudge Treats

For those moments when you decide to kill your noisy neighbors by gifting them an epic sugar rush in the form of these super charged bars.  Not a crime, right?

Number Four: Red Velvet Black and White Cookies

Because red dye makes everything… red velvety!

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Dear Girl (that sat next to me on the plane last night),

Hi.  How are you?  This is just a quick note to let you know that you sat on my glasses.  I know that you know that you sat on my glasses.  You did, after all,  hand them back to me crazy mangled.  I trust that you know what shape glasses generally assume.

I understand that there are two active parties in this tragedy.  There’s the person that accidentally left her glasses in the middle seat next to her while she properly stowed her purse under the seat in from of her…. that’s me.  There’s also the person that was in such a hurry to get into that second row middle seat, that didn’t let the girl with the glasses on the aisle properly acclimate before barging in… that’s you.  So, you sat on my glasses.

My favorite part about you sitting on my glasses, was how you showed exactly zero remorse for the damage you caused.  That was awesome.  Hey… remember that part when I was very obviously trying to bend them back in shape in front of you?  Yea… that was pretty fun too.  That was me being passive aggressive.  I bet that was your favorite part.

Oh well, they’re just glasses, right?  Next time, I’ll watch where I put my glasses if you watch where you put your body.  Deal?

Sincerely,

Joy

And now… dark chocolate cookies.  Let’s do this.

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I think we should all sit down and have tea and cookies today.  Tea and cookies and a little chat and laughter in the late afternoon sun.  What do you think?  Are you in?

In the past few days, my inbox has filled with emails from people with big, arms-up-in-the-air, life questions.  If you’ll allow me to paraphrase, they go something like this:

Dear Joy,

This might sound totally weird and crazy, but I think I’m going to get laid off from my job soon, and I’ve always wanted to be a baker and I was wondering if you could tell me… what the heck to do next.

Sincerely yours,

Ok… first things first… let’s hug it out.  That will help.  Next, you should know, as I’m sure you already do, that I don’t have all the answers.  Not even close.  I am a firm believer in the idea that if you go after what you love, in a balls-out, take-no-prisoners kind of way, you succeed.  Succeed?  Heck yes!  Because you’ll be ultra happy that you’re, in the very least, doing something you love.

So!  If you want to be a baker… do it!  Bake every day!  Bake and bring cookies into the office job that might not be your favorite place in the world.  Bake and try to sell to the coffee shop down the street.  Bake and give it to the local homeless shelter.  Bake and blog about it.  Read books about baking.  Talk to bakers about baking.  Take a cheap cooking class at the community college.  Ask to apprentice one (very early) morning at a local bakery.  Dive in.  It’s what I did, and if I can scratch out a living in the kitchen every month, I think you can too.  On the real.

This concludes today’s installment of My Two Cents.

Now… how about cookies?

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This I Used To Believe

I believed that if I wore  a stretched out paperclip across my front teeth I would be one of the cool kids with a retainer.  It turns our that retainers only seem cool when you don’t actually have to wear one.

I believed that if I sunk down in my chair low enough in Honors Algebra, I wouldn’t be called on the answer questions that I didn’t have answers to.  I didn’t have answers to any… aaany of the questions.  In reality, that posture was like a giant, neon, blinking arrow pointed right in my direction.

I believed that if I stayed up all night chewing gum, I was bound to get the part of Violet Beauregarde in the sixth grade performance of Charlie and The Chocolate Factory.  That part went to my best friend Lindsay.  What does it say about me if I still think about that from time to time?

I believed that Dylan would never leave Brenda on Beverly Hills, 90210.  Um… remember what happened in the pool?  With Kelly!? Brenda’s best friend!?  Yea… so that didn’t work out.

I believed that really good cookies simply had to have at least a few cups of all-purpose flour flour in them.  These Flourless Peanut Butter Cookies changed my mind.  Seriously.  I know you’re thinking  They’re better than you think.  Way way better.  These are great!

This post was inspired by last weeks episode of  This American Life which, in turn, was inspired by the international essay project, This I Believe.  Yaaaaay for  public radio!

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Do you ever have those mornings when the snooze button seems to go off every two minutes, your hair is simply inconsolable, and you discover that your favorite plaid shirt that you’ve had for half your life is  now too ripped to wear and be cool?   Do you have those mornings when you’d just like to go back to bed for another 6 hours, wake up and call it a re-do?  Yea… me too.

On those mornings, believe it or not, I turn to you all for a smile.  You’ve got words of wisdom.  You’ve got jokes.  You’ve got what I need to get through those off kilter mornings.  Thank you.  Really.

I wish I could thank each and every one of you a big batch of my chocolate chip cookies, but because that seems like too daunting a task for a morning like this, I’ll have to put the recipe in your hands and encourage you to bring some chocolate chip love to your kitchen on my behalf.

The winners of the chocolate chip cookie and super cool spatula giveaway are:

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